GOON SHOW: TLO 47557
8TH SERIES: No 18
RECORDED: 27 Jan 1958
Greenslade: This is the
BBC. Ladies and gentlemen, we present 'The Curse of Frankenstein'.
Sellers: Bloosh!
FX: fanfare
Sellers: We present the
play of the week, entitled: 'My Heart's in the Highlands, but My Feet Are in
FX: Scottish music; bagpipes, gunshot, bagpipes die.
Greenslade: Yes, it was
eighteen eighty twa and the laird Red Hairy Bourke, lay deeing on his bed, shot
in the chanters.
Burke: Aye, aaarrr
nach the nelly noo [etc] Andy?
Andrew?
Andy: Aye, my
laird, aye. Take it easy the noo.
Burke: Oh dear, I've
noo got long to goo the noo.
Andy: Here, here,
now wait. Have a wee drop of Red Agony whisky.
Burke: Ay, aye, ay!
Pour it doown my throat, lad.
GRAMS: Liquid pouring.
Great explosion.
Burke: Oh, that's
better. Andy? We'll get the will out and let ma family in.
GRAMS: Door opens. Footsteps enter, joined by a
second and a third then crescendo to a huge herd of people walking in. Door
closes.
Burke: Well, I've
had a good life. Now, are ya all here lads?
OMNES: Massed scottish agreement.
Burke: Now, my lads,
as you all know, I'm leaving the castle and one million poonds…
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Running boots approaching.
Moriarty: Ah, my little
Scottish daddy, I love you, I love you [kissing].
A million pounds, ach, eye, man. ‘Tis a braw bracht moonlit nicht tonight… (Scottish gibberish) Man, ow!
Burke: What's this
chattering reeky wearing the hand-painted brown paper kilt?
Moriarty: Ach, my namy,
I'm your old son, Jack McMoriarty. Ow, Scotish-type man, ow,
needle-noddle-needle-new, needle-new, needle nodle new. Ow McOw. A million
pounds, McOw.
Burke: It must have
been that terrible weekend in
FX: Paper rustling
OMNES: Massed Scottish agreement.
Chisholm: Let me clear
my throat first, wait a minute. Right. I, Laird Red Harry MacBurke [spits], being of partial sound mind,
leave ma fortune to the first Scotsman to reach the South Pole and play the
bagpipes there. The noo.
GRAMS: Running footsteps, bagpipes
Orchestra: Scottish link.
GRAMS: Rushing feet approaching, car brakes
Moriarty: [out of breath] Grytpype? Grytpype?
FX: Dustbin lids of various sizes being banged about.
Moriarty: Grytpype?
Where are you?
FX: Dustbins being searched
Moriarty: Grytpype, ow,
Grytpype, Grytpype? Which dustbin are you in?
Grytpype: The one with
the TV aerial on top.
Moriarty: Listen: A
million pounds go to the first man to play the bagpipes at the South Pole!
Grytpype: Curses!
Neither of us can play the confounded instrument.
Moriarty: Ah! But we
could learn!
Grytpype: No man has
ever learned to play the instrument.
Moriarty: I don't wish
to know that, but think of what we could do with all the money!
Grytpype: Yes, for a
start I could have you painlessly destroyed.
Moriarty: Ah! Ow!
Grytpype: And again.
Moriarty: Ow!
Grytpype: That's your
pair of ows complete for the day.
Moriarty: There's
nothing like a pair of ows for fun
Grytpype: To continue.
Ah... Greenslade? Would you read my part, dear boy, I'm rather tired to say it
now.
Greenslade: Right. [reads] There's only one man living who
has that much fat on him.
Grytpype: I said that?
Greenslade: Yep. You
said, 'I know the man, it's Neddy Seagoon.'
Grytpype: Neddy
Seagoon? I wonder what he's doing now?
Seagoon: I've been
wondering when I'd get a line in the show, that's what I've been wondering!
It's me, folks, Neddy! [laughs]
FX: Cheering
Seagoon: Well done,
well done, well done, settle down, settle down...
Grytpype: Where are you
at the moment, Neddy?
Seagoon: At Roughton
house.
Grytpype: Which one are
you?
Seagoon: Me.
Grytpype: Come,
Moriarty...
GRAMS: Whoosh
Grytpype: ...Follow
that Whoosh.
Orchestra:
Scottish music link
Sir Bealbum: Oh, ooh. I've
been in Roughton House for 89 years. How long have you been in residency in
Roughton House
Seagoon: I was born
here, Sir Bealbum. I've never done a day's work in my life. Here's my OBE to
prove it [laughs]
Sir Bealbum: Oh, oh... how
proud your mother must be of your ohb.
Seagoon: Yes... of
course, I have a private income.
Sir Bealbum: [gasps] A *private* income? Where from,
lad?
Seagoon: The Labour
Exchange.
FX: Rapid knocking on door
Seagoon: Quick! Into
the bath chairs, it might be work!
FX: Chains rattling
Seagoon: [laughs] [old] Come in, sir.
FX: Door.
Grytpype: Are you Neddy
Seagoon?
Seagoon: [old] yes, but I, I'm too old for work...
I've always been delicate... since I fell off the top of
Grytpype: What were you
doing up there?
Seagoon: Fishing.
Grytpype: Fishing?
29,000 feet above sea level?
Seagoon: Well, I, ah,
I had a long line. [laughs] Do you
get it? A long line? [laughs, subdued]
Ahem.
Grytpype: Inmates, I'm
here to offer one of you work.
Voices: [generally unwilling, ill] Rhubarb,
rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb.
Grytpype: Let me
explain. We are offering a thousand pounds for a man to play the bagpipes.
FX: Silence, Then Massed Scottish Bagpipe bands
Grytpype: Thank you,
thank you, thank you. Now, who can we interview first?
Moriarty: You may
interview Jock McGeldray.
FX: Explosion
Seagoon: All lies!
That wasn't bagpipes, that was a nose. I'm your man, I'm fit. Feel the muscles
on these teeth! I can play the pipes! Needle-noddle-needle-noddle,
needle-noodle-nodle-nuuuu!
Grytpype: All right,
Neddy, all right, all right. Listen carefully. These five envelopes numbered
one to ten contain your instructions. Open one at a time.
FX: Envelope opening
Seagoon: I see. 'You
will go to
FX: Whoosh.
Cabbie: Yes, mate,
where to?
Seagoon: That's my
affair. You just drive.
Cabbie: All right.
FX: Car starting, with trouble, fails
Cabbie: That'll be
four and three, mate.
Seagoon: What for?
Cabbie: A new
starter.
Seagoon: So you want a
starter, eh? Right, on your mark, get set, go!
FX: Pistol shot
Grams: Running,
mouth-made car sounds, slow to fast
Cabbie: Oooeerr
Mate... mate....
Seagoon: [laughs] Oh, fiend, Seagoon! And, so
saying, I entered
FX: Door opens, shop bell rings.
Seagoon: Anybody in?
Grytpype: You are. Min,
min? It's a man chained to a bed.
Seagoon: Good morning.
Grytpype: Morning.
Minnie
Bannister: Good morning.
Henry Crun: and Minnie Bannister: [a chorus of 'morning's]
Seagoon: Good morning,
thank you! [after various good mornings
in there, too] How very, very pleasant. Just a moment, while I open envelop
No. 2.
FX: Opens envelope
Seagoon: [mad laughter] Yes! It says I must buy a
South Pole expedition.
Grytpype: What size,
sir?
Seagoon: Well, I take
a six and 7/8ths stomach.
Grytpype: Double X,
Min.
Minnie
Bannister: Double X coming up, buddy. [wraps it up] There, there you are, buddy, modern buddy.
Grytpype: Try this
blizzard on for size.
FX: Blizzard sounds
Seagoon: Just a
minute! This blizzard's got a hole in the trousers! The wind's getting in!
Grytpype: You haven't
done the zip-up, sir.
FX: Zip
Seagoon: Ah ha! Woo! [laughs] that's better. Next, I want a
pair of arctic bagpipes.
Crun: Ah, here we
have the very thing.
Minnie
Bannister: [mumbling] We
have the phish-too…
Grytpype: Ah, the
phish-too, they are filled with anti-freeze.
Seagoon: I knew her
well. Envelope no. 3 says:
Greenslade: [reading] You will form your expedition
up on the
Seagoon: Right!
Goodbye! Hup!
FX: Splash.
Little Jim: He's fallen
in the water!
Greenslade: Meantime, in
the Antarctic, a certain person, claiming to be of Scottish blood, has joined
in the chase.
Orchestra:
Bloodnok theme with Scottish overtones
Grams: Extended raspberry. Strange Hindu fire-engine noises.
Bloodnok:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Oh, me pipes are frozen! Oh! Oh oh oh oh! Singhiz, Singhiz!
Singhiz-Thingz:
Coming,
Major, coming sir. Coming…..
Bloodnok: Get you and
your babu* friend to thaw out me pipes, will you?
Singhiz-Thingz: Mr Lalkaka!
Where are you purporting to be, sir?
Lalkaka:
Ah
Mr Banergee! I have been insulating my loin-cloth against the extreme drop in
the temperature, d’you understand.
Singhiz-Thingz:
It
has come upon us to remove the frost condition of Major Bloodnok’s, sir,
bagpipes.
Lalkaka:
Oh
indeed, oh indeed now.
Singhiz-Thingz:
Oh,
indeed it is true sir.
Lalkaka:
Oh
indeed! If you would hold the instrument obliquely to the ground then I would
be putting the blow-torch along the top, d’you know!
GRAMS: Burning sounds.
Singhiz-Thingz:
OHHHHHHWWWW!
Mind what you are doing, man! I’m only wearing a loin-cloth man!!
Lalkaka:
What
are you doing?
Singhiz-Thingz:
Steady
Lalkaka! You don’t want Singhiz-Thingz to be burned, do you? Please proceed
with caution now, and do not intensify the flame or the bagpipe tartan will
disintegrate, do you understand?
Lalkaka:
I
understand.
Singhiz-Thingz:
Digha.
Digha.
Lalkaka:
Shabbash.
Oh heavens, man. I wish I was back in Barendah.
Singhiz-Thingz:
Barendah
for you man, but my heart is in
Lalkaka:
You
too have been the victim of a terrible explosion then?
Singhiz-Thingz:
I
am one fat Bengali babu…
Lalkaka:
Ahi
in khalikat longlee...
Singhiz-Thingz: Missee give me three byes daily..
Lalkaka:
…but
on Sunday, I get none…
Singhiz-Thingz: What will I do or I shall die…
Lalkaka:
…then
my wife and children cry…
Singhiz-Thingz:
…then
they will make a bonfire of me…
Lalkaka:
…then
they throw me in the sea…
Singhiz-Thingz:
…that
will be the end of me…
Lalkaka:
…hooray.
Milligan (under applause - in Australian accent) I don’t like
what they’re saying, Jim!
GRAMS:
Bagpipes with explosions.
Bloodnok: [screams] Me bagpipes are on fire!
Milligan: [shouting 'fire!']
FX: Fire engines arrive
Bluebottle: I heard the
call, stand aside! Hooray! Unrolls hose. Squirt, squirt, squirty, squirty!
What's the matter back there? Are you pumping?
Eccles: [distant] Yeah! I'm pumping, my friend!
But there's no water! Oh, somebody clamped the knob. I didn't really need it,
folks! Now then, I've been pumping but there's no water! There never is any
water in the
Bloodnok: Oh, did you
say the
Eccles: I said 'the
Bloodnok: I thought it
was too hot for the Antarctic. Captain Idiot!
Capt. Idiot: Yes, sir?
Bloodnok: You fool,
you! We're 32,000 miles off course already!
Capt. Idiot: Well,
nobody's perfect.
Bloodnok: You
naughty-nitty-naughty-nit gentlemen you. Your compass must have been faulty.
Capt. Idiot: Faulty? I
can't understand it! It was a perfectly good Christmas cracker I got it out of!
Bloodnok: Was there a
guarantee with it?
Capt. Idiot: Oh, yes, it
said, em, Question: When is a door not a door? Answer: When it's ajar!
Bloodnok: Well, you
know, a guarantee like that cannot easily be dismissed. True, true, true.
However, I shall try. Guarantee, Dis-missed!
FX: A few march steps, into cold bagpipe, storm sounds.
Greenslade: Meantime,
Seagoon reached the
Seagoon: Ah, dear. I
can't see a foot in this blizzard. Mr. Spriggs, hold yours up.
Jim Spriggs: Hello, Jim,
hello, Jeeem! Oh, [applause] you
don't have to do this, folks.
Seagoon: What's our
position?
Jim Spriggs:Standing up,
Jim.
Seagoon: Where's the
compass?
Jim Spriggs:Oh! Jim, oh,
Jim, I haven't got one, Jim, oh, Jiiiiiiiim.
Seagoon: I'll Jeem you
with a club in a minute. Here, pull this cracker.
FX: Pop
Jim Spriggs:Oh, look, A
compass and a paper hat.
Seagoon: Give it to
me, I'm leader of the expedition. There [laughs]
how do I look?
Jim Spriggs: Ahhhhhh, Jim!
Seagoon: [laughs] Cheeky!
Jim Spriggs: He knows, you
know. [sings:] When you go dancing
you seem so entrancing they call you the belle of the ball! When you go
dancing...
FX: Bash
Jim Spriggs: Don't like
clubbing, Jim.
Seagoon: [laughs] Now, let's get on to the South
Pole. Check the compass. 91 degrees north. 87 degrees west.
Jim Spriggs: Where are we?
Seagoon: Lost, But! I
have the exact position of it!
FX: Fog horn
Capt. Tom: Ahoy, there,
mariners! [and other salty talk]
Seagoon: Look! [laughs] We're saved! A ship where the
captain's name is Tom! [shouts] Ahoy,
who are you?
Capt. Tom: We're the
Woolwich Free ferry!
Seagoon: You're 15,000
miles from Woolwich, your compass must be wrong.
Capt. Tom: I got it out
of a Christmas cracker!
Seagoon: I must get a
new compass. Could you take me back to
Capt. Tom: Have you got
a ticket?
Seagoon: No, where do
I get it from?
Capt. Tom: Ticket office
on Woolwich Pier.
Seagoon: Right! I
won't be long. Hup!
FX: Splash
Little Jim: He's fallen
in the water again!
Orchestra:
Dramatic Link.
Grams: Blizzard
Greenslade: Seven years
later...
Capt. Tom: Well, I tell
you, if he ain't back in another 10 minutes I'm not waiting no longer. My dinner's
getting cold.
Seagoon: Ahoy!
Capt. Tom: Ah, here he
come now, give us a hand, my darling.
FX: Water against bulkhead
Seagoon: Ah, ah,
darling friend.
Capt. Tom: Did you get
your, your ticket, my darling?
Seagoon: No, it was
half-day early closing.
Capt. Tom: [heaving sound]
FX: Splash
Seagoon: You swine,
you'll pay for this!
Capt. Tom: How much?
Seagoon: Three pounds
down and three shillings up!
Capt. Tom: Argh!
Orchestra:
Dramatic Link.
Greenslade: Hello, folks,
a special announcement: slowly, oh, so slowly, Neddy's ice flow floated nearer
the South Pole
Seagoon: As we neared
the South Pole, we ran into Bloodnok and his party.
FX: Big crash.
Bloodnok: You silly
explorer, you. Didn't you see my indicator sticking out?
Seagoon: I'm sorry,
sir, I was conducting Beethoven's 5th Symphony and I wasn't listening.
Bloodnok: Good luck.
Seagoon: I say, I say,
those porters of yours; what, what race are they?
Bloodnok: The 3:30, do
you want to place any bets?
Seagoon: I'm sorry,
all my currency is frozen.
Bloodnok: Oh,
Seagoon: But what are
the short ones without beards?
Bloodnok: Those are
Eskimos.
Seagoon: And what are
the ones who have beards?
Bloodnok: Those are
Eskimos who haven't shaved.
Seagoon: I see. But
why do only half of them shave?
Bloodnok: So that they
can tell the difference. [aside] Can
we have music for this bit, please?
Orchestra:
Violin 'Hearts and Flowers'
Bloodnok: Thank you.
Seagoon: Tell the
difference from what?
Bloodnok: Between those
with beards and those without.
Jim Spriggs: I don't like
this, Jim.
All: Shut up, shut
up...
Seagoon: Singing fool.
To avoid all this confusion, why don't the ones without beards grow beards?
Bloodnok: Well, that
would be rather unfair.
Seagoon: Unfair? Why?
Bloodnok: The ones
without beards are women, you see. That's how they tell the difference, you
understand.
Seagoon: This is
ridiculous. I've never known a family's growing beards in the friendship
between the sexes. I mean, have you, Eccles?
Eccles: Oh, yeah. It
happened in my family. When I was young, I couldn't tell the difference between
my mother or father, so my father made my mother grow a beard.
Seagoon: Ahhh, and you
were able to tell the difference?
Eccles: Nope.
Seagoon: Why not?
Eccles: My father had
a beard, too!
All: Shut up, shut
up... [various, in agony, striking Eccles]
Jim Spriggs: I don't like
clubbing, Jim.
Orchestra:
Wailing bagpipe link
Grams: Blizzard
Seagoon: [agonized laughter] Now then, what does
the third envelope say?
Envelope: I say, You're
two miles from the Pole.
Seagoon: Did you hear
that, Bloodnok?
Bloodnok: Yes, I did, a
man doing an impression of an envelope.
Eskimo: Major, Major,
look, a polar bear is approaching!
Bloodnok: My goodness,
yes, and he must be very old, it's gone white with age!
Eskimo: No, he's
wearing a wig.
Bloodnok: Oh, that's
what it is. It's coming this way.
Seagoon: Don't worry,
I've got a gun.
Bloodnok: Shoot,
Seagoon, shoot!
FX: Gunshot
Eccles: Okay, I shot
Seagoon, what now?
Seagoon: You fool,
Eccles!
Eccles: Oh, I was
only pretending to shoot, I wasn't really shooting, I was only... Bang!
Buzarang, bang, bang, bang! Down goes the polar bear, down goes the polar bear!
Bang, bang-bum, BANG! Click! Click? I must have run out of bullets! Nope, nope,
nope, thank you...
Jim Spriggs: I don't like
this clubbing, Jim.
Seagoon: You idiots!
While you've been playing naughty games the bear's escaped in a taxi! We'll
camp here for the night. Tomorrow, the South Pole!
Orchestra:
Link music
Grams: Blizzard
sounds
Eccles: (Sleeping sounds)
Bluebottle: You asleep,
Eccles?
Eccles: What?
Bluebottle: You asleep,
Eccles?
Eccles: Yeah!
Bluebottle: You're a man
of the world, ain't you, Eccles?
Eccles: Ah...
Bluebottle: Eccles?
Eccles: Yeah, Bottle?
Bluebottle: You ever been
to the South Pole?
Eccles: No, but I
once jumped off
Bluebottle: Oh, how nice
for you, Eccles.
Eccles: Well, I, I
didn't want to do it, Bottle, but a man paid me to commit suicide for him.
Bluebottle: Did he die
then?
Eccles: No, that was
the trouble. When I got back on top he was still alive.
Bluebottle: What did he
do?
Eccles: He asked for
his money back!
Bluebottle: And did you?
Eccles: Well, I had
to, I went to a doctor and the doctor said I wasn't dead.
Bluebottle: Oh, well,
don't you worry, Eccles, being dead isn't everything in life.
Eccles: [mumbles]
Orchestra:
Ominous music
Bluebottle: What's that
modern-type music?
Seagoon: It is meant
to indicate a disaster. During the night there was a crack in the ice and the
sledge with the bagpipes fell in. All this way for nothing!
Bloodnok: Look! The
South Pole is only over there by that bus stop. Can't we make some bagpipes?
Seagoon: No, we, we
haven't any plans. We need hollow pipes, in any case, we need to drill holes in
them.
Bloodnok: I can drill
holes. Holes! Left turn! Quick march!
FX: Holes marching away
Seagoon: You fool!
You've let the holes march away! All is lost!
Eccles: Don't cry,
Neddy, me and Bottle's got a set of bagpipes.
Bluebottle: Yes, we put
hot water in them and used them as hot-water bottles.
Seagoon: You did? [laughs maniacally]
Eccles: What's the
matter with him?
Seagoon: Give them to
me. I must have that thousand pounds.
Bloodnok: No, no, no, I
must have it, me, Eccles, me, me.
Seagoon: I saw you
first, I knew you when you were... Eccles, please!
Eccles: Wait a
minute, wait a minute, what do you want my bagpipes for? What's the matter with
you?
Seagoon: My child...
Bluebottle: Be careful
with them, Eccles, I know their tricks.
Eccles: What do they
do?
Bluebottle: One of them
holds up a hoop and the other jumps through it.
Seagoon: Bloodnok,
Bloodnok, let's be sensible, let's be sensible, if we get these bagpipes... [laughs maniacally] we can share the
pishtu money
Bloodnok: Agreed!
Seagoon: Share the
money! [laughs]
Bloodnok: Let's
overpower them.
Seagoon: Right! I'll
take my socks off now!
Grams: Various
military sounds; blizzard; bagpipes
Grytpype: Yes,
Moriarty, one of them got to the Pole and played the bagpipes. Unfortunately,
owing to the blizzard, I can't make out who it is.
Greenslade: But, by next
week, however, we hope to know. So, tune in for the results. Good night, all.
Grams: End theme
Greenslade: That was the
Goon Show, a BBC-recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and
Spike Milligan, with George Chisholm, the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray, and
the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer,
Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Charles Chilton.
Grams: Playout